singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Still Playing Games So I know I said no more Ben, but I lied. Sorry. I saw him last night. After he didn't call me back. I never took my car to get fixed because I didn't know if he would be able to give me a ride today or not. So, I woke up 2 hours early, and drove to the dealership and waited forever. I was only an hour late to work, but still it was frustrating. Anyway, I was a little short with him at first last night. I didn't seek him out, I didn't look at him, I didn't try to attempt conversation with him. If he talked to me, then fine. I can be civil. That really bothered him. Then he starts being all nice. He called earlier today to see if I needed a ride to dinner tonight (more on that later). Again, I was short with him. He sounded hurt, but I don't care. It's not even one millionth of the pain he has caused me. I need to cut him out of my life so I can get over him, but that's not possible. I wish he would get transfered, that would be the best scenerio. Okay...dinner tonight. His best friend (who is now also one of my dear friends - he was the only guy who bought me a flower on Valentine's Day - which means my father and boyfriend didn't) is making dinner at his new apartment. It is going to be him, his girlfriend, my roommate and her boyfriend, and Ben and I. Yes, it will be couple night and who am I paired up with? Ben. But, if the other alternative is not to go, then I will live with it. I love my friends and it was very lucky that Ben's friends and my friends all completely hit it off. Guys and girls from both sides. Nobody dislikes anyone. Kind of a miracle if you ask me. During the holidays we even have huge familiy dinner (one for Thanksgiving, one for Christmas). We are like a family, and I can't give it up. So, tonight will be a night where 3 things can happen: 1. Ben and I act like we're dating again, and it will make this entire situation harder. 2. Ben and I will be so aware of the obvious paring that we will go out of our way to not touch or sit next to each other, etc... This will also hurt. 3. Ben and I will be able to hang out as friends, with no old personal feelings getting in the middle. This is not possible yet. See? What a great evening I have planned. Oh well. At least there will be lots and lots of wine. Which actually will make option one the most likely. And, wanna know what else in my life could possibly suck? I might be pregnant. I don't think I am, but my body feels weird to me. Yes, I recently had my period, but according to my mom, that doesn't mean anything. She had her period for the first 4 months she was pregnant with my brothers and me. Great. I have been feeling sick around certain foods (red meat, shrimp), have been craving other foods I usually detest (melon), have had violent mood swings, and had to pee more often (which I don't think that happens until later in the pregnancy when the baby is pressing on the bladder). And yes, Ben and I had unprotected sex while I was off my birth control pills. He did pull out though. Not 100% safe, I know. And also, we had unprotected sex after I restarted my birth control (I only took a month off) but it hadn't been the full 2 weeks it takes to be effective. It was about 12 days though. Oh, and he didn't pull out that time. Yeah, for a girl with 2 degrees, I'm pretty smart right? I wouldn't keep the child though. And I don't really believe in abortion, I just never thought I would be stupid enough to be in this position. I know accidents happen, but this was more of an act of stupidity. So, guess I should go buy a pregnancy test soon. If I am preggers, then I would be about a month along. I really sincerely hope this is all in my imagination. Okay...I'm going to get back to work. Then I have to go home, transfer myself into a supermodel so that Ben falls head over heels in love with me. Enough to change. But, since that's not going to happen, I will instead go home, try to look good even though I will never look as good as I want to. This will depress me, lower my self-esteem and generally cause me to have a slightly worse night. I hate being a girl. 3:56 p.m. - June 19, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||