singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jetta's Suck I have to take my car into the shop for the billionth time. I'm really not exaggerating. My passenger side door will not open from the inside. Annoying, but not a big deal. Then, last night I was driving in downtown rush hour traffic when someone angrily pulled up next to me and told me that both my brake lights were out. That sucks, people have no idea when I'm stopped or slowing down. Real safe. And the thing that bothers me the most is that I just had my brake lights replaced 11 months ago because they were out. Keep in mind this is a leased car. I haven't even had it for 2 years. It has been recalled 3 other times, the air conditioner sporadically works, my windows have fallen into my doors, and my brake system failed. Bottom line? Don't buy a Volkswagon. Not worth the trouble. So, Ben is going to take me to and from work tomorow (it's his day off). Very nice of him, but of course it isn't that easy. He doesn't work tonight or tomorrow which means he can go out. Which means he can get extremely drunk. Which means that unless I stay out with him until 1 or 2 am, then I probably won't have a ride in the morning. I have no other way to get to work, which is why I am taking my car in on a day he has off. If I don't stay out with him, he will have to go home with someone else. He will pass out and not wake up until 1 or 2 pm. He will feel badly, I will be pissed. It will be a huge fight. I will have to take a cab to work, call my parents (who live a half hour away), or take a personal day for no reason. My plan? To buy some Cuervo to pre-party with so I can get him nice and drunk at an early hour. I've done this before when I wanted to go home early and knew that I was responsible for him. His other option is to not drink, which for him is not an option. Or hey, even drink in moderation, which he is incapable of. If I had roofies, I swear I would slip him one. Not to take advantage of, just so I could go home early. How sad is that? God, tonight is going to suck. He is going to get mad cause I want to go home. I am going to get mad cause if he doesn't go, I won't have a ride tomorrow. And I'm not asking too much. He owes me this much. Technically he owes me about $200, but that's another story. There have been SO many nights where I had to take care of him. Pretty much every single night we went out for 3 years. I held him up, I cleaned up vomit, I helped him pee, I listened to him yell at me (mostly calling me a bitch or telling me he hates me). There were so many nights where my night was ruined because I had to worry about him. Had to give him more money to buy drinks. Believe me it's easier to go along with it than to try and fight it when he's drunk. Why didn't I put my foot down or leave immediately? Cause I'm an idiot. I don't know. He's not the type of alcoholic where he would drink every night. He probably gets drunk 1-2 nights per week, but the other nights he's wonderful. And when I say drunk, I mean DRUNK. There isn't one person who doesn't think he has a problem, well except him. He used to drink a fifth of whiskey every single day after work. Once he started dating me, he stopped doing that. He hasn't gone back to that habit yet. I hope he never does. Okay, enough about Ben. I'm tired of thinking about him. I tired of wondering why he never called. What about me does he not like? I think the thing that bothers me most is that I put up with him and his alcoholism and his horrible work schedule for years. I let him borrow money and I drove him around when his license was revoked (Wanna guess what for? Yup-DUI). I wasn't perfect by any means, but I did none of that. I had my own car, money, and was responsible for myself. I had no major addictions or problems. Nothing. I supported him and tried to help him for 3 years and HE got tired of ME? That's what hurts me the most. It's not a contest, but I just wish I would have walked away years ago. I let his problems become mine. Because I love him. I stuck through some really shitty times, including his depression (forgot to mention that earlier) and the death of our best friend. Wanna know how he coped with her loss? By getting drunk and driving home every night. Wanna know how she died? Alcohol induced car accident. I was so sad, angry and tired that week. I had no energy to fight him. I took that one week off from trying to save him because I was so upset about my best friend. One night he called me laughing and told me that he almost had the same accident that killed our friend. He was drunk and drove off the road and almost hit a wall. Luckily cops stopped him and had him walk home. He called me the night before her funeral, laughing and telling me this story. I was so irate and sad and filled with hate for him. Why didn't I end things then? Probably because I could only handle so much at a time. Stories like that make me so sad. But they make me feel better. They make me remember why I'm not with him now. And believe me, I know I'm not perfect. He has his lists of things wrong with me (I talk too much, I am insecure, I have a bad temper, I can be very mean) and I know that I have issues that I need to work on too. I think bottom line I just feel like I gave him almost everything I had - willingly and gladly. He took and took and took and rarely gave back. And when he took enough from he, he cut me loose. But not all the way. He still reels me in when he needs something. I need to cut all the ties we have left. I'm slowly getting there, but in the meantime, I'm not going to let him consume me anymore. I keep saying I'm going to do things for myself. I really need to get started on that. Here goes... 12:23 p.m. - June 18, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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