singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid Stupid Girl So, what did I do last night? Took Ben home with me. What is wrong with me? Obviously I'm not over him. But I don't want to be with him either. I would be miserable and unhappy again. It would not go anywhere. So, why do I still want him? And it sucks going out with him now, because he can do anything he wants. It would KILL me to see him with another girl. If I see him looking at someone else, I get jealous. So, the nights he goes out are spent with me trying to figure out what he's thinking. I have to look better than everyone else in the room. I have to be in a great mood, laughing and being the life of the party. I have to always be "on" so that Ben doesn't choose another girl. Am I that insecure? Yes, I guess so. Bottom line. I don't want to date Ben. I love Ben. I still love spending time with him. I wish Ben would change so that we could be together. I know that will not happen. I don't want Ben to want anyone else. I want Ben to want me. I want Ben to love me enough to change. I know, I know. Not everything is about me, but I think I just feel that if he moves on, then it's really over. Guess I'm holding on to a thin thread right now. When it breaks, I'm going to fall so far and so hard. Sucks. I thought the actual break up would be the hardest. The sad thing is, sometimes I get through the day thinking to myself, "If it gets to hard, you don't have to do it anymore. You can end it." And I would NEVER kill myself, just sometimes it makes me feel better that it's an option. But again, I would NEVER EVER do it. Ben is at my house right now, in my bed. We're going to lunch today. You know, we didn't have sex last night. We didn't even kiss that much. We actually got into a fight. Hey, it was just like old times! Rock on! Maybe that's why I'm in a bad mood today. Oh, it could also be the story that my 22 year old intern told me. Yeah, she got engaged on Sunday night. It was the most romantic engagement I have ever heard. She flew to LA to visit a friend. Her friend booked them reservations at this seafood restaurant on the beach in Malibu. Before the reservations, they walked on the beach to this deserted cove. It was sunset, picture perfect setting. Her friends leaves to use the bathroom. Minutes later, from around the cove comes her boyfriend, carrying roses, dressed in a suit. He put a blanket on the sand, and read her this poem her wrote her. It was part of a scrapbook he made of their lives together. It ended with the proposal. Her friend came back to the cove and took pictures of the proposal so she would have that moment captured forever. The restaurant gave them the best table in the house (the friend went home) and a bottle of wine. They spent the night in a hotel and then her fiance flew back home to Indiana. He went to LA for one night to surprise her on her vacation. Isn't that so romantic? I'm so happy for her! Wanna know what I was doing while this was going on? I was at a Poison concert dressed like an 80's whore. Gotta love my life. I'm never going to get married. Oh well. 11:06 a.m. - June 12, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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