singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scared So there is this cookout tonight. This might be the first time that Ben, me, his friend I slept with, and his girlfriend will all be in the same room. I've managed to avoid that for several months now, but tonight there is a cookout at a mutual friend's house. She knows. I don't know if she hates me or not. I don't think she has a right to. She and Ben's friend were not together when this incident happened. There was no cheating on any sides. She and I have never been friends. We have a rocky past anyway. She loves cocaine and other kinds of drugs while I prefer my alcohol and cigarettes. She has gotten Ben's friends pretty heavily involved in this world of hers and I hate it. But anyway, there was never any loyalty between us. Ben's friend told her what happened. She cried. I called her and apologized. She said it would be forgiven but not forgotten. Since then, I've heard through the grapevine that she has been depressed and had a horrible spring because of this incident. Is she serious? It lasted 10 mintues. It was a drunken horrible mistake. Her boyfriend and I feel so guilty we are not even friends anymore. Yes, I feel badly. I really do. But she's turning this into being about her. It's not even close. And she told Ben's other best friend that it happened. She promised she would keep quiet about it. Why would I ever trust a drugged out psycho? Luckily Ben's other friend will not tell him. He knows it would absolutely kill him. Great. So basically, I think everyone knows except Ben. Some of Ben's friends don't talk to me as much. Fine. I understand. I broke the guy code. Whatever. For every one of my friends who are judging me or think less of me, fine, that's their opinion. Luckily for them, they have NEVER gotten drunk. They have NEVER made a mistake. And they have NEVER felt badly about it and tried to do the right thing. I honestly don't believe that telling Ben the truth would be the right thing. Sometimes I want to tell him. It would be easiest. All of my close close friends know and still love me, so I wouldn't lose them. And this would be a way to push Ben away. It would be quick and painful, but it would work. More on this later. I have to get back to my job. 4:18 p.m. - June 11, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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