singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My So Called Life Why am I still at a stand still? I stopped having sex with Ben. Don't know if that's good or bad. Good for me mentally, but bad for me physically. I actually haven't seen Ben since last Thursday. He came over to watch Must See TV. He was acting so strange. Sad and distant. He is depressed again. He actually goes in and out rapidly. One day he's sad, the other he's fine. Then he's sad again. He's like a manic depressive on speed. When he's sad, he is so mean and cold to me. And only me. He is fine to his friends and family. I hate that. Why does he feel he can abuse me? I think he cheated on me. I was talking to his friend (the one I slept with) and I told him that I thought Ben cheated on me while I was in Cancun. He said, "Ben told you about that?" What? Obviously Ben did something. His friend denied anything and said he was just confused. Then last weekend his other friend was surprised to see me out. He thought that Ben and I were going to watch a movie and hang out. I asked why and he said that when he talked to Ben earlier he said "We are going to stay in tonight and we are going to make dinner." Nope. Now, I have no right to be angry if Ben is hanging out with someone else now - we are not dating. It's just that that night was one of his depression nights, when he was yelling at me and sulking. I invited him to come out so he wouldn't be so sad. He told me he wanted to be alone. Fine. But when I heard that he was on a date, that pissed me off. Don't lie to me. I was by your side, supporting you, trying to help you overcome your depression and alcoholism. I was by your side when you were angry and sad. When you stopped wanting to have sex. I was with you. You want me as a friend, as a sometimes lover, and as a personal ATM. You want and need and take everything from me. What do I ask in return? Don't fucking lie. That's it. I confronted him, and he denied everything. What else can I do? I have no proof. I have nothing right now. I just don't want to be one of those stupid girls who was cheated on and even though there were signs, didn't see them. His friends will be more loyal to him even though they're my friends too. You know what though? Even if he did cheat on me, can I really be angry? Yes, I never cheated on him. Never. But, right after we broke up, I did sleep with his best friend. Maybe that's worse. I don't know. I haven't talked to Ben since Sunday morning. He called last night. I didn't call him back. Maybe I just need a break. Need to get away from him for awhile. I don't know what I need. I've been in the mood lately to settle down and get married. And have kids. And a wonderful perfect life. I need to find a date first. I am having second thoughts about the other guy I slept with. Not his friend, but the ugly guy, the one right before the friend. He was ugly. I was not attracted to him at all. I slept with him because it was easy. I wanted to have sex and I didn't want to have to do anything. He was by my side, buying me drinks, kissing me, talking to me. He was really nice and cuddly. He was gentle and sweet in bed, although not very talented. He was so excited to be with me, like a little puppy. Probably because he doesn't get laid very often. He just wanted to hold me, and massage me, and kiss me. Ben just wanted to sleep afterwards. It was nice being worshiped and pampered. Everyone I talk to says he is just a great guy. A wonderful person. I just am not attracted to him. Why? Can I get over that? He is probably the best thing for me now, but I just don't think I could do it. Plus, he called me about a million times and I told him it was just a one night stand, a mistake and that I was back with Ben. What is wrong with me? I should have gone on one date. Just one. How many different people can I hurt? I didn't use to be like this. 10:30 a.m. - May 20, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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