singlegirl's Diaryland Diary

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Jeremy's Email

First off, you are forgiven for being a little intoxicated. I am sure that I would have been as well under the circumstances. I have only one excuse that I would like to use. You know that I am not good with words. So if I am not making sense, I apologize for that now. This is hard for me to do for two reasons. One, I am not good with words. Secondly, I can't see the screen because I am crying so much.

There are two reasons why it took me so long to respond back to your email. One, I had to let what took place on Friday soak in to realize that this is goodbye. Secondly, I wanted to wait awhile before I emailed you knowing that this will probably be the last time I ever speak to you. Knowing that really hurts. I wish for not to be true.

I should have never used the word bitch to describe you in any way. Whether it be, "you were bitching about me wanting to come home early." Or,"Liz is being a bitch because she wants me to come home early." It should have never been in the same sentence as you. For that, I am sorry.

It was never your fault for me leaving early at guys night. I should have not made that up. You and I both knew at the time that I had an early work schedule. The guys knew that as well. I even told them that was why I could never stay late. It was never about you. It was wrong of me to blame you.

I know that it's not an excuse. I said those things about you because I was inebirated or stoned out of my mind. I wasn't thinking start at all. But that's not a reason to call someone bad names regardless. Especially you, you are so far from being a bitch or acting like one. You were nothing but an Angel to me. For what I said about you, I am sorry.

Originally when we broke up and I was staying at your place. I should have been the man that I am and told you what I said about you. But I thought that it would all just go away. All I wanted was for us to work things out and get back together. During that time from when you were apart and when I left. I realized how much I do care about you. Everyday for those two months I hated myself so much. Even now and I am sure for the rest of my life. I will hate myself for how I mistreated you. I am regreting not saying a word to you about my feelings. I treated my one true love like crap. That proves to me right there that I don't deserve anyones love.

I mean, how can I love someone else. When I can't even love who I am as a person. I have disliked my place in the world for many years. I can't stand myself. But I have been doing a lot of thinking during my time off of work. I agree with you. We both could use a fresh start in life. And that is going to start now. Everything that I have done wrong in my past I am going to heal in one way or the other. I told myself that I am going to work on all of my faults I truly want to be a better person. So I am going to work on that. Every one of them starting now.

There is one thing that you said at the end of your email that still is true. I do have very strong feelings for you. Regardless of what happened between us. I hope that our paths cross again. And that we both see the true sides of each other.

I wish you the best as well Lizzy. I want you to work on your issues as well. You are truly going to make a great wife to someone one day. You have a heart of gold. Take care. There is one more thing. I wrote a poem for you.

I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew a song that I could sing to you
Some special words of love and joy
So we could start anew

I wish I knew a poem
Or a verse to make you see
That you mean more than all the world
And all that it holds for me

p.s. If there is anything that I have left out or that you want to know about me. No more lies. Please keep in touch with me. I want to know how you are doing too.

Love always
Jeremy

10:13 a.m. - May 30, 2006

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