singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Email to my Friends Go back one for the story. This is what I emailed my friends... I have a lot to say, so please bear with me. First off, I appreciate everyone�s care and concern about me. I understand that people are trying to help me and that as friends, we should share things. Everyone has been there for me and offered me support on one level or another. For that, I am deeply grateful. I have said thank you many times over the past few weeks and please know that I meant it every time. It has come to my attention that everyone now knows that Jeremy has been temporarily staying with me. I did not tell you guys for several reasons. One, I didn�t want to. Simple as that. I knew that you all would give me a hard time about it (not everyone, but certainly many of you) and I didn�t want to hear it. Believe me, you couldn�t say anything to me that I didn�t think about myself. Secondly, it�s not a permanent thing. We are NOT dating, we will NOT date again and yes, I realize he is using me for a place to stay. On the other hand, I am using him too. Living alone is almost worse than the fact that we broke up. I am LONELY. It�s awful. It�s nice having someone there (even if it is Jeremy). Now that I�m single, I don�t have anyone. I don�t have a roommate, sister, boyfriend, fianc�e or husband. The rest of you have that someone. And yes, I realize I have friends (unless you all hate me now), but I don�t have that pair. The times I was alone after we broke up were horrible. I have never been so sad and depressed in my life. I am trying my hardest not to be. I am getting pretty good at faking having a good time, but 9 times out of 10, I�m miserable. Imagine that you were dating someone for over 2 years and for most of that time truly believed that you were going to marry him. You planned out a future and were looking forward to a long life together. Imagine all of that changing within hours. It�s awful. I wouldn�t wish it on anyone. Having Jeremy stay with me is probably the worst thing I could do. I�m going to be back at square one when he leaves. I feel like I�m a junky and he is my temporary fix. The little bit of light in my dark. It�s not good for me, but it�s what is easiest for me today. And all I can do right now is live day to day. I tried not to lie about him staying there. I tried not to talk about it. Everyone kept pushing me and asking me questions (I now know because you all suspected it), but I was beginning to feel like a suspect. I know people were just concerned, but when I got emails saying, �Any news on Jeremy� and nothing else, it felt like that�s all anyone cared about. I felt like my life was turning into a gossip column. Again, I realize it was out of care and concern, but it was happening so often by so many people, you can maybe see why I felt a little attacked. On one hand I�m not sorry I didn�t tell you guys. I still feel like it�s my business and I can choose to tell people what I want (if you look into yourselves, I�m sure there are secrets out there that not EVERYONE knows, nor would you want them to). On the other hand, I�m sorry you found out the way you did and I�m sorry I had to lie to you about it. Me keeping it to myself has absolutely nothing to do with you guys. I didn�t not tell you because I don�t care about you or care what you think. I did this for myself. I was ashamed and selfishly enjoying the few days that weren�t completely miserable. I wanted to do it without any extra added guilt and I just didn�t want to talk about it. That�s all. If anyone has any questions/concerns/comments/hate mail/whatever please feel free to send them my way. This is just such a painful time in my life that it�s hard for me to expose everything right now. It�s easier to disappear into myself. After the events this weekend, I feel exposed, raw and naked so to speak. Also, it has been brought to my attention that people were most hurt by my lying. Again, I apologize for that, but I hope that you all know that (usually) I�m probably the most honest (sometimes too much so) person you will meet. We�ve all lied about something in the past and this was something I felt like I had to do to protect myself. So, feel free to ask me anything you want. I will answer anything today, but after that, I don�t really want to talk about it anymore. Also, please let me know if you hate me or don�t want to be my friend anymore. I will understand, but would like to know up front. Lastly, I don�t expect anyone to support me anymore. I realize that a lot of you probably feel like you did so much to help me at the beginning and now feel like it�s probably for nothing now that Jeremy is staying with me (which is another reason why I didn�t want to tell anyone). I understand and will do my best to get through on my own. But please know that I did (and still do) appreciate everything you all have done for me over the past few weeks. Again, sorry for any hurt feelings or whatever I may have caused, but please know that this was not about you. It was about me. That�s all. 11:46 a.m. - February 27, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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