singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Bit Better, Perhaps? I�m feeling a bit better today. I haven�t had a full blown attack since Thursday, which is great. Friday Jeremy and I went to dinner and I was okay. I thought I was going to have an attack at one point, but I got it under control. We had hamburgers and beer and it had been a long time since we went out to dinner (I think I�m learning to appreciate life more, which sounds ridiculous, but worrying about having an attack or feeling like you can�t breathe is not fun and the times where you aren�t worrying are so special). Saturday, I woke up at 6 am (I fell asleep before 9 on Friday � I�m still very tired all the time) and Jeremy and I went to the gym and worked out. I was afraid of working out (being out of breath), but it actually made me feel really good. I think I was smiling the whole time � I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and we lifted weights afterwards. After the gym, we ran errands, attempted to get birth control pills from Planned Parenthood (even though my blood pressure was in the normal range, they wouldn�t give me any pills because of my panic attacks � that made me so angry since I was specifically tested for clots to make sure it was still safe for me to be on birth control � it is, but now I have to get it from my gyno and pay double) and had an overall good day. I got all of my Christmas shopping done and wrapped! I was great all day, but then I started feeling a little panicky later in the afternoon. I wanted to go out so badly � all my friends were going out to celebrate a birthday and I just didn�t feel like going to a loud, smoky, crowded bar was the best thing for me. Jeremy and I stayed in, played cards and again, I was asleep by 9. I did have my crying, feeling sorry for myself moment Saturday night. I just want to be normal again. Sunday, we actually went to a bar to watch the Colts game (so sad they lost, but at least it doesn�t matter and it takes some of the pressure off) and I was fine the entire time. I was fine all day actually, but I wasn�t hungry and I was asleep by 9 again. Part of me thinks it is definitely panic attacks. I got mad at Jeremy on Thursday and it almost triggered an attack (emotional reaction). Also, if I keep busy, then I don�t think about my breathing or about being panicky. However, it worries me that I�m exhausted all the time, have no appetite, have lost weight (my friends commented yesterday that my face looked thin � that normally would make me happy, but it�s kind of scary too) and that sometimes I wake up and my heart is pounding (I woke up at 3 am early Saturday and my heart was racing � I almost felt sick because of it). Is it possible to have panic attacks in your sleep? I am proud of myself though � last week was a hard week for me and I haven�t had one cigarette. Not even at the bar yesterday when I was drinking and everyone around me was smoking (it STINKS when you aren�t smoking, by the way). I also haven�t had any caffeine (i.e. Diet Cokes), which has been difficult. I am getting to like water though and I bought some decaffeinated Crystal Light Iced Tea. I know I could drink decaf soft drinks, but I keep hearing that soft drinks are bad for you anyway, so I might as well just give them up. The more water I drink though, the more I want. Sometimes I drink so much that my fingers get wrinkly like I�ve been in water. Possibly that�s also why I�m not hungry very often � I�m drinking too much! Oh and my urine sample? I spilled it!!! After 12 hours of peeing into a cup and pouring it into a jug, I spilled it (I didn�t put the cap back on correctly and when I opened the cooler to deposit my next sample, the jug was floating in urine � ick) 3 hours before I was going to go to bed. So, I have to do it all over again, which is just so nasty. I almost just don�t want to, but I guess I will. I also got the results back from my thyroid test and unfortunately it is normal. I wanted an easy answer...oh well. The heart monitor test is this week and I don�t know what after that. I�m hoping for a good day � I didn�t take any anti-anxiety drugs yesterday and I only took half of one on Saturday. I�m hoping not to take any today, so I can go home, clean the house and have dinner ready for Jeremy. He has been so supportive and caring (even when I�m angry, sad, depressed) and I want to be able to do this for him. Also, I would like to stay awake past 9, but we�ll see. One thing at a time... 8:26 a.m. - December 19, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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