singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's Talk About Me Being Fat (I Know, AGAIN) I�m so tired of being fat. If I could lose a pound every time I said that, I would be the skinniest girl in the world. I don�t know what to do about it. I can�t lose weight. I can�t. I�ve tried and tried and I�ve failed each and every time. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and fantasize about cutting off my fat myself (I would never do that � but that can�t be healthy, right?). And yes, Jeremy and I are going to do the South Beach Diet, which except for the first 2 weeks, is actually a very healthy way of eating�I just hope that this is it. I just wrote my friends the following email: �It does seriously sound so fun, and I really wish I could go. And yes, I could wear a t-shirt and shorts, but I would look like an asshole when everyone else is in a bathing suit. Plus, I really just don�t feel comfortable doing that and if I go I would be thinking, �I hate myself/I�m so fat/Why is Jeremy dating me/Look how good all my friend�s bodies are/I�m a loser� and so on and so on. Please go and have fun. I certainly don�t begrudge anyone for going (plus it�s my own fault that I am a huge fat ass loser). But seriously, I�m not going. I would have an awful time, but would have to pretend that I was having fun and I�m so tired of doing that. Word.� This was in response to my friends whining about me not going tubing with them. They are getting the bus, driving an hour to a river and spending the day tubing, drinking and swimming. I refuse to go because I am not wearing my bathing suit in front of the boys. They wouldn�t leave me alone about it and finally I wrote that in frustration. I�m also not going to the annual lake party for the same reason. God bless Jeremy. He�s staying home with me for both events (I did tell him he could go, but he wants to be with me instead) � it sucks that he has such a loser girlfriend. I don�t want this to be an issue next summer. I just want to be thin. I want to do what everyone else does and not have constant negative thoughts running through my brain. There�s more to life than that and I�m wasting so much time and energy thinking about myself and my body. It�s so dumb. I�m also scared because when I lose weight, I will never have a good body. I can weigh 120 pounds (yeah right) and still not look as good as everyone else. I have stretch marks, cellulite and I might have hanging skin in places (I hope not, but everyone who loses a significant amount of weight talks about the extra skin). My breasts will probably deflate (at least a little � I�ve always had large breasts, but they are seriously out of control now) and I will have to have breast implants (lifts don�t really work that well from what I�ve seen on Dr. 90210) and have my extra skin cut off. But should I even bother doing all that until I�m done having kids? Seriously, thinking about all that makes me so depressed. And speaking of having kids, I�m not sure I can have them. Obese women have a much harder time getting pregnant. And when they are pregnant, it�s not as good for the baby or for themselves (gestational diabetes and such). What if I can�t get pregnant because I�m a huge, fat loser? And because I want children more than anything in the world, shouldn�t that alone be enough motivation to lose weight? Fucking seriously. Part of me thinks that I hesitate because I don�t want to see the results. Do you know how utterly sad and depressing it would be to work your ass off to lose weight and then get stuck with a less than desirable body? To have hanging skin and scars as a constant reminder that no matter how hard you worked, you�re still not good enough. That you probably still can�t wear a bathing suit because how would you hide the damage that you did to your body? I tire myself just writing it. I wish we could just fucking start the diet tomorrow but we can�t afford to. We had to go grocery shopping until the end of next weekend with $80. We bought Wal-Mart brand fish sticks, pot pies and lots of other frozen nastiness. The South Beach diet is expensive � it�s all nuts, meat/fish/chicken, veggies and cheese. It�ll be worth it though. So yeah, please think �thin thoughts� for me starting July 18th. Hell you could start now, but it would be a complete waste of time. 10:52 a.m. - July 08, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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