singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Love You Grandpa So many things are happening right now�I�m probably going to do several entries with different topics. This one is about my grandparents. They successfully moved back to Indianapolis and are situated in the retirement home (my grandpa is in the nursing home and my grandma is in assisted living). I had Monday off, so my mom and I were going to go visit them together. I was almost done getting ready, when my mom called me from the emergency room. My grandpa had fallen out of bed in the middle of the night and had to get stitches. When they did a cat scan, they realized that he had brain cancer, which is what caused his stroke. They weren�t sure of his prognosis, but it didn�t look good. Meanwhile, my mom sends me to visit my grandma, but made me promise not to tell her the news about my grandpa. I hadn�t seen my grandparents in five years, so I was nervous to see her (especially since I knew my grandpa was really sick). It took me over a half an hour to get up the courage to walk into her room. I saw her name on the door and it just made me so sad. The last time I saw my grandparents they were healthy and living on their own � I wasn�t sure what to expect and I was just so upset. A nurse found me pacing and crying and took me to the bathroom to get cleaned up. When I finally got up the courage to go in, it was fine. My grandma was very happy to see me and we went down to eat lunch. During lunch my grandma kept saying that she was so happy that she moved here and that she couldn�t wait for my grandpa to get well enough to move into assisted living with her (I honestly think I felt my heart break when she told me that � I knew that was never going to happen). After lunch, we went back to her room and waited for my mom to get there (she was still at the hospital with my grandpa). When my mom finally got there, she started crying and told my grandma that my grandpa had brain cancer and that it didn�t look good, but that he was going to see a specialist on Wednesday. My grandma was upset, but decided that we were not going to tell my grandpa (he is finally in a good place and stopped ripping out his feeding tube). My mom, grandma, my dad and I all went downstairs to the nursing home to visit my grandpa. He looked so sick. He�s lost a lot of weight and had stitches in his forehead. I was kind of afraid at first � he mumbled when he talked and it was very hard to understand him. He wasn�t always making sense either (side effect from the stroke), so I wasn�t sure how to talk to him or what to say. After awhile, he told me to come sit on his bed because I hadn�t talked to him yet. He started to stroke my face and told me that I looked older (thanks, grandpa � but I hadn�t seen him since I was 22). He just kept touching my face and mumbling things (again, I think I felt my heart break). I left after that and have spent the past several days crying and having mini panic attacks. My mom called me this morning, and things are worse than they were Monday. He saw a specialist and he does indeed have cancer � not brain cancer, but cancer somewhere else. It has spread to his brain and he only has days to weeks to live. The horribly, sad, ironic thing? He�s doing better � mentally and physically. He was in physical therapy yesterday, marching around with weights on his ankles. It just makes me so sad that he thinks he�s going to get better and move back in with my grandma. I guess it�s better this way�I don�t think I would want to know I only had a few days left. We�re just going to make sure he stays pain free and enjoys the rest of his life. I�m not sure what my grandma is going to do. We yanked her out of her home, moved her to a new state and now she�s going to be all alone. My mom and grandma also decided not to tell the other grandchildren (not my brothers, but my cousins). Their dad just died last summer, so they�ve had it rough this past year and since they grew up in my grandparent�s house, it�ll almost be like losing another dad. My aunt and female cousin are on a 2-week cruise to Alaska (they just left yesterday), so my male cousin (the one who is super close to my grandpa) is alone. My grandma feels like it would be best to wait until his mom and sister get back to tell him about grandpa. I kind of agree, but when he only has days to weeks to live, odds are they�re not going to have the luxury of waiting. And if I were him, I would be so upset if my grandpa died and I didn�t have the chance to say goodbye (especially if everyone else knew and had their chance). God, this whole thing is just so sad. I hate it. I hate that we were all so happy to finally have them here and to have the opportunity to spend the holidays with them and now it�s never going to happen. We brought him to Indiana to get better, when in reality he�s come home to die, I guess. His gravesite is here, so that�s one thing I guess. I�m going to work tomorrow from 7:30 � 3:30 so I can eat dinner with my grandma in their cafeteria (dinner fucking starts at 4:30) and visit with my grandpa. I just hope I can hold it together. I�m so tired of crying. I haven�t been this sad since my best friend died. I had a mini panic attack the other night. I�ve been drinking wine and taking sleeping pills at night. It helps, but I�m so tired all the time. Did I also mention that we�re getting audited at work this week? Guess who�s in charge of working with the auditors? Guess who might start injecting heroin to get through the days? 11:37 a.m. - June 23, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||