singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Survived Well, the dreaded weekend is over and I'm not dead, so that's a plus. The party was as bad as I expected and then it got better. I am glad it's over though. The party started out pretty bad. I'm not good at talking to people I don't know. I'm kind of shy and have a very hard time thinking of random things to say to someone I don't know. If the other person engages me, I'm fine. So anyway, I get to the party and kind of stand there smiling like an idiot and standing in the middle of the room. Some say hello, others don't acknowledge me. Luckily, there was only about 10 minutes of this dreadful small talk before the first game got underway. This was better, but still bad because everyone sat on the 2 couches, while I sat on a chair on the opposite side of the room. Alone. There were 3 groups of people there - law school friends, sorority sisters, and me. It was kind of embarassing and sad, but at least I didn't have to stand around while everyone else talked to each other. Then, it was time to eat. There were 2 tables of 7. I was alone at one table, while 9 girls were crowded around the other table. They literally took chairs from my table and scooted them over to the other table. Finally a few of her sorority sisters sat down with me. They didn't talk to me, but at least they sat with me. After that, we did one more game and then left to go to the comedy club. Again, everyone piled into 2 cars, while I drove 1 person to the club. I wasn't driving home after that, so that's when I could really start drinking. After the club, we went on a bar crawl, which got progessively better as I, and everyone else, got drunk. I was more talkative and things just improved overall. I ended up staying out with them until 2am, and even had a decent time with my future sister-in-law. The beginning of the night sucked, but maybe I'm to blame too. I just can't talk to a group of 13 girls who are already all friends. Especially when nobody makes an effort to speak to me. I might be shy, but I'm not a bitch. It also sucked because all these girls know my older brother and love him, and he is the exact opposite of me. He is so funny and outgoing - just a real people person. Oh well. It's over. I survived. And I feel a little closer to my future sister-in-law, and to the other bridesmaids. I did get a new car. The 2003 Honda Accord Coupe. Much better than the Jetta. Still no job, but I have an interview tomorrow morning. The diet is going fantastic. I have lost so much weight, most of my pants are super baggy. I even feel skinnier, which I'm sure is in my head. It's only about 12 pounds now (just a guess, since I haven't weighed in since last weekend), but it's a start. Plus, 12 pounds in 15 days isn't too bad. And I haven't even exercised. I need to start though - I want to have defined muscles. I'm trying to eat less today though, since I ate more than usually yesterday. I think it was because I was so hungry from not eating the day before. The day before I had low fat toast with jelly for breakfast, a banana and a piece of homemade low fat pizza for lunch. I didn't have much dinner because of the bachlorette party (most of the food was fattening). I had 4 bites of lazagna and carrots and celery sticks for dinner. I skipped out on caesar salad, appetizers, breadsticks and cake. Also, I didn't eat any food at the bars or after. Needless to say,I woke up yesterday starving. I had a piece of fat free string cheese for breakfast, a half whole wheat veggie wrap from RolyPoly for lunch, 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese for a snack, and 1.5 cups of low fat chili for dinner. That's a lot for me. Today, I had a cup of Fiber One, with a cup of fat free milk and a banana for breakfast, and I'm having a bowl of low fat soup for lunch. I think for dinner we are going out to watch the Colts game, so I think I'll have a hamburger with no cheese and no mayo. That should put me at 800 or 900 calories today. And, I'm only having 2 beers. Sorry to talk so much about food and dieting, but it's consuming me right now. I love eating as little as possible, and I love this new feeling I have. It's so odd to me, considering I used to eat as much as possible. I feel stronger and healthier. I'm eating veggies and fruits, and really trying to make smart choices. I eat when I'm hungry, but I eat slowly now, so I actually enjoy every bite. Instead of thinking about Ben all the time, I think about what I'll look like, how I'll wear my hair, and what I'll wear when I'm thin. Instead of feeling out of control and helpless, I now feel strong, hopeful, in control of my life, happy, empowered, and excited. It's a good change. I need to conquer exercising every day. Once I start, I'll enjoy it, but getting into the habit is difficult at first. Plus, it'll speed up the weight loss. Okay, I'm going to heat up my soup now. I still can't believe this will be my last week here. Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow. 12:19 p.m. - August 25, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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