singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great Hair Day I love great hair days. My hair turned very blond in the sun this weekend, and it's getting so long. And, I've started using L'Oreal's straightening/smoothing shampoo, and I love it. And then, I had time to straighten the top layer of my hair, so it's kind of straight and shiny. A big improvement over my usual ponytail, and I've gotten lots of compliments. It's funny that your hair can change your appearance and alter your mood so much. Or maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm just super shallow. I'm hanging out with Ben tonight. He asked me if I would go to the kareoke bar we used to go to all the time. I don't think I've been in a few months. Well I go every weekend (it's my favorite bar), but not on Wednesdays. Other people are going, and we're just hanging out, so it should be okay. I hope it's okay. I was pretty angry after Michigan. I still don't understand it. We went from dating exclusively for 3 years, to not dating, but being friends with benefits, to friends but no benefits, and now I barely see him. Why was someone who was so necessary in my life just a few months ago, slowly fading out? And what changed in us from being friends with benefits to not having benefits? Of course I always think it has to be me - obviously he's not attracted to me anymore and obviously I'm the grossest person in the world. But the truth is, I stopped reaching out to him too. I just wish life wasn't so complicated. I want this stage of my life to be over. I don't like where I am and I feel like things are spinning out of control. I don't have a job, I'm not in a fullfilling relationship, I don't have enough money, I don't have a path or a set direction. I feel like I'm going all over the place. And while I'm dealt with one thing after another, I feel like I'm just wasting time. I feel like that's all I've done. I wasted time getting an education because I can't get a job. I wasted time, money, and energy in Ben because that didn't work out. For once I want to put my energy and time in something that actually works out. And I would like it to benefit me for a change. And yes, I know that getting an education wasn't really a waste of time, and that it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. But seriously, who cares? When your life is shitty, you don't want to think about how it really is a good thing. And yes, I do believe that things happen for a reason and that at some point my life will have reason or a direction, but in the meantime, I don't want to think about it. That's how I cope with things, I don't think about them. Which is probably why I don't have a job and I haven't lost weight yet. I need to just plunge in and change my own life. I'm just too tired and I don't know where to start. I think I'm a little depressed. I can't decide. I'm so good at being the happy funny girl, that most of the times, I think I trick myself. But when I go to bed now, I have to leave the tv on or otherwise I will panic. I will start to listen to the voice inside reminding me that I have no money, no life, no job, no boyfriend, and that I'm fat. If I have the tv on and concentrate to it, I don't listen to myself. I also have a repeated dream where I'm in a glass house and angry, scary waves are pounding against the glass. I'm afraid the house is going to break, but so far it hasn't. I looked it up and it means something like I'm blocking strong emotions and feelings from myself. Probably true. Probably I should just let myself realize how shitty things are now and just face them head on. And even if I go mental, at least I'll be able to relax in a drug induced state for awhile. But, I won't go mental. I won't be that lucky. Bottom line, all I want is for something good to happen. And yes, I know that most good things happen when you make it happen, but how do I do that? I've tried. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Sorry for the depressing entry. Hey, at least I'm having a great hair day. 4:08 p.m. - August 13, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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