singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me Likey I went out with Ben last night. He came over to my place and I made him dinner. I went all out. Prime rib, homemade mashed potatoes, caesar salad, rolls, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I promised him that meal awhile ago (he's a manager of a kichen at a prominent restaurant and has never had prime rib!!). It was wonderful, if I do say so myself. After dinner we went to see Bruce Almighty. I loved it. When I laugh really hard I sometimes snort. I did a lot of snorting last night. Ben and I sat close to each other-the armrest was up. Funny how after 3 years of dating, sitting next to him and touching him was so common, I didn't even think about it. But since we broke up, I was aware of him. I loved feeling his arm next to mine. His leg next to mine. To see him grin at me in the dark after I snorted. It was so comfortable yet so wonderful. It was so happy and so sad. He made me feel full inside, which I haven't felt in so long. We went and had a few beers afterwards and then we went home and went our separate ways. I want him to love me again. And I want him to leave me alone so I can heal. And I want him to be my best friend. I don't know what I want. I know that we cannot be together again. I know that I won't be happy. And I'm doing okay on my own. I just miss us. I miss having him in my life like he was. I miss those intimate moments we shared. I miss the scent of him. The way he touched me. I miss the way he made me feel. Dammit, I just miss Ben. He asked me if I would go to a wedding reception with him in June. I can't wait to dance with him again. We knew each other about 3 years before we started dating. We weren't friends, just ended up at some of the same parties. I had a crush on him, but didn't do anything about it. One time, after we just turned 21, he asked me to dance. We were at a nightclub and everyone else was dancing. It was the cheesy slow song at the end of the night. It was so awkard. He is so tall, and I'm not very tall (6'3 versus 5'6), so I could either look up at him and stare into his eyes or I could stare directly into his chest. I chose his chest. We didn't talk, just moved to the song, and when it was over we parted ways. When we first started dating, I asked if he remembered our dance. He did, and we have made fun of each other about it ever since. But, since then, our dancing has been wonderful, nothing strange or awkard about it now. Not that we do that much slow dancing. We pretty much stick to the end of the night slow songs at bars. I just hope that if we dance at this wedding, things aren't like they were. I hope we can still dance together. 10:26 a.m. - May 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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