singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Hate my Body I've been so unhappy with myself lately. I miss the high I felt when I was losing weight and even the few months after I stopped losing. I miss hearing the, "You look incredible" comments. I miss the newness of my body. Feeling excited buying new clothes. How proud I was of myself. Now I'm kind of disgusted again. I haven't gained, which is great, but I haven't lost either. I'm almost as unhappy with myself now as I was when I weighed 300 pounds. That's crazy, right? Am I always going to hate my body? Probably. But it's to the point where I sometimes don't go out because I think I look gross. How vain is that? And pathetic, really. So, I'm going to join WW again. I stopped going and stopped losing (well, I stopped going because I was on a 4 month plateau). I just need to hit that groove again. I'll feel that high and it'll keep me motivated. I kind of think that when I hit my goal weight, I'll be the most unhappy. To truly look good naked, I need plastic surgery. The more I lose, the more evident it becomes. My stomach hangs. My arms flap. And my boobs sag. Yes there are worse things in life, but it's really frustrating to work so hard and in the end, I still look ugly naked. And the cellulite and stretch marks. I have a lot of cellulite. Like an unfair amount for someone who runs 20+ miles a week. I don't think I should have any. The stretch marks I've earned, but they look so bad. They are big and angry looking. The ones from my armpits the sides of my boobs are the worst. They keep me from wearing certain shirts or dresses. I hope that they can remove that skin when I have my surgery. Probably not. Tuck it into my boobs or something? I wish they still had the show The Swan....I seriously need it. Anyway, enough about that..it's just been on my mind lately. Otherwise, things are fine. Michael and I are still dating and I'm going back out to Austin over Labor Day weekend. My girls and I are going to Florida at the end of September. My annual review is on Tuesday. That's when I find out my raise amount. I hope it's life changing. Like pay off my credit card, pay back the money I owe my parents and afford plastic surgery before I move to Austin, life changing. I wish.... 5:59 p.m. - August 02, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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