singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Austin, Texas I love Austin. And Texas. And Michael � I think. We had a great time together. There were a few hiccups, but overall the trip was a success. A quick recap of what we did: Wednesday: Blues on the Green at Zilker Park. We didn�t bring alcohol and they didn�t sell it, so it wasn�t as fun as it could be. The concert was good though � Los Lonely Boys. After, we went to Cedar Street and saw the Spazmatics � an 80�s cover band. They were good and it was fun to be partying outside. Thursday: We went for a run around Lady Bird Lake. We ran/walked 8 miles. I was very proud of Michael. After, we went to University of Texas campus and Michael showed me around. I got my UT t-shirt, so I was happy. That night we went to Shady Grove for dinner and to watch a band (but missed most of it). Afterward, we went to the Broken Spoke, which might have been one of my most favorite things we did all week. More about that later. Friday: We went to Barton Springs and laid out all day. It�s such a cool place. The sun was hot and the water was super cold � we had fun jumping in and out of the spring all day. And although I felt gross in my bathing suit, Michael didn�t throw up on me so I guess it was a success. That night we went to dinner at Oasis, which overlooks Lake Travis. We listened to the band and watched the sunset. Afterwards we went to a few bars on 4th Street to listen and dance to music. Saturday: Michael worked all day and I went to the pool and watched movies on my iPod. That night we went to dinner on 6th Street � the Iron Cactus, I think, and went bar hopping afterwards. So many bars! It was crazy! By the way, I love rooftop bars and restaurants! Sunday: We slept in and went to breakfast somewhere very good. Afterwards we climbed Mount Bonnell and then saw the movie Hancock. We went to dinner with his parents and it was fine. I didn�t look good, so it made me self-conscious so I wasn�t very comfortable. But his parents were very kind and gracious and nobody mentioned anything awkward. Hiccup #1: It takes Michael and I a few days to get back into the swing of things. We are great on the phone and great once we are together for a few days, but that initial time together is hard. We tend to make fun of each other and not take anything seriously. By Thursday night was tired of it. I told Michael that I liked �Phone Michael� better and that hurt his feelings. But we just stopped doing it and it was fine after that. I just hate that once we get into our groove, it�s time to say goodbye again. Hiccup #2: I love you. Or not. By Friday, I was annoyed that it hasn�t been brought up at all. He sometimes acts like he loves me. I�m his girlfriend, I�ve met his family in Indy and was meeting his Texas family in a few days, he wants me to move there, etc. So, we were laying out at Barton Springs and I blurted out, �Do you love me?� It probably wasn�t the best way to do it, but we were both sober and I knew if I didn�t do it then, I was going to do it drunk and that could have been disastrous. He immediately asked, �Do you love me?� to which I responded, �I asked you first.� Seriously do people not age past the 1st grade? Basically he was stumbling so I said, �You don�t. And that�s totally fine. You either do or don�t and if you don�t know right away, then you don�t.� I wasn�t mad � I can�t make someone love me. But at the same time, I�m not even going to seriously entertain the thought of changing my entire life for someone I will have been dating for almost a year if he�s not sure he loves me. But then he said that he had been thinking about it lately and that he thinks he loves me but didn�t want to scare me by saying it. I basically concurred (even though I�m ready to hear it and say it) with that and it was never brought up again � the entire trip. I think we kind of confirmed that we might, but I�m not sure. He�s seriously emotionally handicapped. He cannot express his feelings with words. It�s frustrating because that�s how I like to receive love � I need words of affirmation. Hiccup #3: Shady Weird Guy. So I found a few things on his computer. Are all guys disgusting pigs? Truly, are they? Does it boil down to the fact that as women we can either just accept it or be alone for life? That infuriates me. That makes me want to be Shady Weird Girl. Why can�t I do it too? Might as well get even, right? I am certainly not a saint, but I am loyal and honest and open and respectful. I don�t do anything that I�m not comfortable telling Michael about. If I�m in that situation, then it�s wrong. Simple as that. I don�t understand why it�s so hard for a guy to be the same way. Do guys enjoy hurting me and women in general? There were a few dating websites that I found. Singles chat rooms (which, by the way, how totally lame and early 90�s is that?). But they were chat rooms for Dallas � which is where he lived when we were just casually dating (and I was on match.com). He also took the computer out of the room when he worked on Saturday, which pissed me off. He told me he didn�t want me to snoop anymore and that I might find other things that would upset me. He said that they were things from before we were seriously dating, but I don�t know. If all that happened when he was in Dallas, then I can�t say anything. I was totally with Jimmy Cain and dating other people and was on my own online dating site (which is way different than a chat room, I think � and I told him about it beforehand to make sure he was okay with it � however, he didn�t tell me anything about being on those sites). I had to choose whether or not to believe him. He said that he hadn�t used that computer since he moved to Austin (he has another computer in his room at his parent�s house � which is true, I saw it). I guess I believe him (and why would he look at chat rooms in Dallas when he lives in Austin?). Another thing is that whenever I used his phone (I lost mine the first night there), it always said that he had a voicemail and text message. Always. So I don�t think he was checking it around me. Maybe it was just friends and he wanted to hang out only with me, but still�kind of weird right? But he�s living at home with his parents. Surely he wouldn�t introduce me to them as his girlfriend if he was out with other girls. I would think they would know, but maybe not. And I admit that girls get more jealous than boys. Or at least I do. If I knew that he was in singles chat rooms even when we were not dating exclusively, I probably would have stopped dating him. A total double-standard, I know. So on one hand I can see why he wouldn�t tell me, but it still makes him look like a shady bastard. I don�t have any reason not to trust him, but I�m also not around him, so I don�t really know if I can trust him either. Truly it was a great trip and we have so much fun together � these were just a few isolated incidents. I�m not sure what to do now. I basically have until January to make a decision. Why can�t it be easy? Why can�t I just find a guy who can express himself and is totally trustworthy? Maybe that just doesn�t exist. Michael might be the one for me. I don�t know � maybe my standards are too high and maybe I just need to compromise. Or maybe I need to just trust him and not question everything. I�m seriously thinking about going to a psychic and seeing what my future looks like. This morning I prayed to God for a sign of what to do. And then on the plane, I talked to a guy who had a female friend who moved to Austin for a guy and after being there for 3 months, she found out that her boyfriend had another girlfriend. Is that my sign? Was God speaking through him? Or am I reading too much into that situation? The only other weird thing is that we didn�t hang out with his friends at all. Maybe he doesn�t really have many. I just have such a huge group of friends who are like family to me�but not everyone has that. They did call Friday night to invite us to a house party, but I made the decision not to go. I was having such a good time at Oasis and selfishly I wanted Michael to myself. Although another weird thing was that when Michael was talking to his friend he told him that we was with me and that we were going out to dinner. And then Michael laughed and said, �What do you mean is it a date?� And then he said, �I guess� and then asked me, �Is this a date?� He was right next to me and laughing so I think maybe his friend was kidding or maybe his friends really know nothing about me and Michael was trying to play it off. I just hope he�s not embarrassed of me. I met a few people out at the bars but I think he always introduced me as Liz, not as �my girlfriend Liz.� Does that matter? I�m not sure how I would introduce him�so yeah�lots of questions. How am I supposed to figure it out though when we�re not together? It�s just so hard. With only seeing each other once a month, I feel like we need to try to pack everything in over just a few days and that makes things so exaggerated and more emotional. Anyway, I have lots of photos I will upload at some point�I�m sad to be back in Indy, so surely that�s a sign too, right? 9:01 p.m. - July 14, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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