singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everybody Hates Me Ugh...honestly, this week is not going much better. Let�s start with last week. Wednesday night, Jeremy and I went out with friends to a bar. We met at happy hour (around 6:30) and didn�t leave until 1 or so. There was lots of drinking and overall, I had a good time. Jeremy, to be noted, was very drunk. On the drive home, Jeremy lost it. I honestly think he was channeling my ex-boyfriend. He was mean, cruel, hateful and nasty. It was a side of Jeremy that scared me. To make a very long story short, Jeremy berated me in a very hateful manner. I honestly think he despised me in that moment. And because he was drunk, everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was incorrect. It got to the point where I just stood there and didn�t say a word. I couldn�t walk away because that would have angered him. I couldn�t talk back because that would have enraged him. I just had to stand there while he picked me apart and left me feeling awful. Near the end I kind of lost it. I just started crying, stood in a corner and kept saying over and over again, �You�re scaring me.� He wasn�t physically scaring me, but I just didn�t know who he was � it wasn�t Jeremy. At that point he started feeling badly, but he could have also been sobering up. We went to bed and the next day, he was extremely apologetic, sad, angry at himself, etc. I just don�t know what to think. In the 2+ years we have been dating, he has NEVER been cruel to me. I know he was drunk and I know we all do stupid things when drunk, but even at my worst moment, I�m not sure I could be that cruel to someone I loved. I don�t know...that incident has left me questioning everything. Myself and who I am as a person, him, our relationship, etc. What if he really is cruel and I don�t find out until after we have kids? We have talked about that since and I have his guarantee that it will never happen again, but that means nothing to me. I kind of want to get him really drunk again soon and push him a little bit and see what happens. He doesn�t remember what he said that night and was embarrassed and ashamed after I told him. I know we all have drunken moments like that, but I don�t know...it just scared me and made me feel horrible about myself (he�s good at tearing people down, that�s for sure). *** The next day was Thanksgiving. We went to my parent�s house, had dinner and then moved to the basement to watch football/basketball. I was drinking all day, and admit I was drunk (which added to the problem). This is so ridiculous, I can�t even believe it happened...I spilled a drink. A rum and diet to be exact. It fell off my parent�s bar and onto the white carpet (who has white carpet in a bar room?). That�s not the ridiculous part (I spill all the time). The ridiculous part is my dad�s reaction to it. He lost it. He started screaming at me and finally yelled, �Just get the fuck upstairs.� Keep in mind this was in front of my entire family and Jeremy. I went upstairs and couldn�t stop crying (which was the alcohol � I literally could not stop). I ended up leaving without saying goodbye to anyone and Jeremy and I drove home. I cried the entire way home and for 2 � 3 hours afterwards. My dad is an asshole. I�ve known that forever, but I just can�t get past it. I locked myself in the bathroom that night and stared at myself in the mirror for so long I began to look unfamiliar. I couldn�t recognize myself (again, it could have been the alcohol � although I�m pretty sure I cried it all out at that point). Again, I questioned myself, my life, my �relationship� with my father, etc. I finally went to bed, but woke up at 4:30 and probably cried for another hour. I have never cried so much in my life. My eyes were pretty much swollen shut the next day � I looked hideous. I just don�t understand why my dad doesn�t like me. Between him and Jeremy, I felt beat up and like maybe I was an awful person. One of the things I loved about Jeremy was that he was so kind and so gentle. However, last week he and my dad took turns tag teaming me. I guess what happened doesn�t sound like that big of a deal, but imagine your husband or boyfriend literally turning evil and pointing out all of your flaws, ridiculing you and making you feel like shit. And then imagine your father, who you don�t have real relationship with � and never have (and for some reason that bothers you more than anything, but it doesn�t matter because he doesn�t want to have a relationship with you) ridicules you, yells at you and makes you feel like shit in front of your entire family. Over a spilled drink. Other little things happened, but those were the 2 main things � they just ruined my vacation for me. As I said, nobody died and it was nothing too awful, but it just sucked. *** My bad luck continued last night. I need to move. I am tired living near the ghetto. The ghetto needs to stay in the ghetto, but unfortunately, it doesn�t. I outside my apartment walking Clyde. I noticed a man walking along the side of the road, so I moved closer to my apartment just to be on the safe side. Of course the man saw me (I have the worst luck) and jumped off the road (it�s up a little higher) and started walking towards me. I put my hands up and said, �No thank you,� or something equally gay (I didn�t want to be rude), but the man just started walking faster. Clyde, the dickhead, loves people, so he was trying to run towards him. I yanked Clyde so hard, I�m surprised I didn�t break his neck. He is so big and strong, that I was barely able to get him contained fast enough. I ran up the stairs (dragging Clyde the entire way � he is so stupid) and got the door closed as the guy was halfway up the steps. I locked the door and ran to the bedroom to grab the phone. When I got back to the front door and looked out the peephole, the guy was gone. He never knocked or tried to come in. I called our apartment complex office to get the number of our security guard, but they told me since no crime was committed, he wouldn�t do anything. I called my mom and talked to her for an hour and a half until Jeremy got home. How weird is that? I am going to start having to carry mace and my cell phone everywhere with me. I just hate that this world is like this. I also hate that this asshole now knows where I live. I want to move to somewhere safe. A house in a nice neighborhood. With no bad neighborhoods near it. *** I am a fan of the Biggest Loser and decided that I�m going to do something kind of like it. I would love to be on the show, but my odds of actually getting chosen are very slim. Instead, I am going to create a diary, in which I am going to take progress photos of myself (probably in spandex and a bra � might as well make it count, right?) and weigh in every week. I am going to keep an exercise log and food diary and write about my feelings and how things are going. It will be a �public� diary, but it will be locked. I�m not sure when I�m going to start it � maybe the first of the year, but if you are interested in having access to it, let me know and I will give you the password when it�s ready to go. I will be as honest in this diary as they are on the show. You will know my weight, my measurements and you will get to see me in all my fat rolls and cellulite glory. In return, I ask that you do not share my password to anyone, if I chose to give it to you. I also ask that you respect me by not making rude or inappropriate comments about my photos, weight, etc. I do appreciate constructive criticism and word of encouragement, but will not tolerate anything else. Exposing myself like they do on the show, will hold me accountable. More accountable than I ever have before. So yeah, if you�re interested in getting the password � or even doing this with me (note: you have to actually be overweight, not a size 6 trying to be a size 2 � sorry), let me know. 11:33 a.m. - November 30, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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