singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RIP Grandpa Quick note about Jeremy�s email to me: he didn�t write the poem. I sent the emails to my friends as well and one of them found the poem online. I think that right there solidifies our relationship. He meant well, but just couldn�t be truthful. Why he doesn�t realize that him saying, �I found this poem and it reflects how I feel,� would mean much more than him lying and saying that he wrote it? He just doesn�t get it and therefore just doesn�t get me. Enough of that... I had quite possibly the worst experience of my life yesterday. 4 beers, 2 anxiety pills and one antidepressant couldn�t get the images out of my mind last night. My grandpa died yesterday. As a quick recap, he had been sick for a year. He had a stroke and then my mom moved him and my grandma from NC to Indianapolis. The day he got here, he fell out of bed and went to the hospital for a CAT scan. It was found that he had cancerous tumors in his brain. For the last year, he has been slowly dying and it was one of the worst things to watch. One year ago, my grandpa was a healthy, vivacious man and while the stoke impaired him, the cancer killed him. I had the day off yesterday and I met my mom at her house to visit my grandparent�s and then to go shopping. In other words, we had no idea my grandpa was going to die yesterday. He was dying, but he has been for a long time. We walked into his room and I heard the most horrible sound I�ve ever heard. The death rattle. Have you ever heard it? My grandpa was sitting up in bed, his eyes were open and his breathing was forced. It almost looked like there was a little person in his chest, forcing it up every time he breathed in. His tongue was pushed out and every time he took a breath, it would make a rattling noise. It sounded like he was choking. Also, his extremities were turning purple because all the oxygen was used to keep his heart and lungs functioning. My grandma was sitting alone by his bedside and I immediately thought I was going to throw up. It was hands down the most disturbing sight I�ve ever seen and heard. Time stood still or flew by, I�m not sure which. I don�t know how long he was like that...half hour or maybe an hour? We took turns talking to him and touching him. We kept telling him to go towards the light and to just let go. If I had a gun, I would have shot him to put him out of his misery. I hate the he was awake. I don�t know what level of consciousness he had, but it was horrible. Almost unbearable. After awhile the rattling stopped, and within moments (I ran out into the hall and grabbed a nurse) he was gone. His breaths started coming less and less and they weren�t as deep. Finally he made a few �puh puh� noises and was gone. He spasmed a few times and then died with his eyes closed and his mouth opened. I do think he had a moment of clarity before he died. When the nurse and I walked back in after his death rattle stopped, his eyes followed me, where before they were open, but mostly vacant. It also looked like he was trying to say something, but he never got it out. And then it took the mortuary 2 hours to get there and so we sat in the room with grandpa with his face contorted and his mouth open...that was also not fun. I am sad my grandpa is gone, but he was so sick and in so much pain that it�s for the best. I�m sorry he had to go in the way that he did. I just pray to God (although after seeing what I did yesterday, it�s hard to believe that there is one anymore) that he wasn�t in pain. He was on morphine every hour, so I have to believe that it was strong enough. I had horrible dreams and nightmares last night � I just want to get that image out of my head. I�m happy I was there though. I�m happy my grandma wasn�t there alone and I�m happy I was able to lend support to my mom while she stayed by his side. What a sad, awful and horrific day. I hope my grandfather found peace. I love you, Grandpa. 2:37 p.m. - May 31, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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