singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scared I never appreciated normal until now. I am living in a constant state of awareness, fear and anger. I am aware of every breath, heartbeat and emotion. I am scared that I will have a panic attack, episode or whatever it may be. And I am angry that this is happening to me. I have to constantly monitor my emotions. I�m afraid to feel anything. Anger, resentment, fear, sadness � all of those are what I�m feeling � or want to feel. If I give in to any of those emotions, it could lead to an attack. I have my medication, but it doesn�t help. It makes me a different person � one that people don�t like. I am listless, apathetic and silent. But even in the altered state, I am aware of every breath, every heart beat, every nuance of my body. And I still have attacks. I am able to control them. I count in 1,2 as I breathe in and 1,2 as I breathe out. Nobody can look at me or talk to me when I�m having an attack. I sit still as a mouse, my mind whirling with thoughts of death, anger and panic, while I try to calm my racing heart and convince myself that I am in fact getting enough oxygen. My limbs go numb and I am physically exhausted afterwards. I am afraid to go out. I�m afraid that I will have a panic attack somewhere where I will not be able to sit quietly and breathe my way through it. I had an attack last night while watching The OC with my friends. Saturday night I�m supposed to go to a bar to celebrate another friend�s birthday. I�m not sure that I can. I�m afraid that Jeremy will leave me. I am only 1/10th of the person I was. I am weak, scared, sick and fearful. I don�t want to live this way. Everyday it�s a struggle, but I am trying to lead my life as normally as possible. I drive myself to work, I did Christmas shopping � but all of it is done with a feeling of impending doom. I am shrouded in a black cloud and I can�t get rid of it. I have lost 10 pounds without trying � is that the silver lining? Or does that mean something worse is going on with me? Do I have cancer, lung disease, heart problems � or worse, am I actually doing this to myself? Am I sabotaging my own life? If I wasn�t depressed before, I am now. I am also humiliated. This disease or illness is invisible and I feel like I am constantly being judged. I am constantly asked, �Why can�t you just not have an attack?� Normal people don�t understand. I get tips � try yoga breathing, belly breath, think of relaxing thoughts � while they are thoughtful, nothing really helps. I have to fight my own demons and be grateful for every second that I can breathe evenly. Sleep is my salvation. Except for last night, I have been asleep every night before 9 pm. When I�m asleep, I can�t panic. I do, however, wake up every once in awhile with a choking sensation (another reason why my doctor does not believe it is panic). If it isn�t panic, then how long do I have to suffer until they figure out what is going on with me? I�ve had blood drawn and today I am urinating in a jug. I have a cooler next to my desk and have to endure the smirks of my co-workers as I carry it to the bathroom with me. Next week I get to wear a heart monitor and who knows what will happen after that? I�m afraid that I do have some disease and my life is going to be cut short. What if this means I will never get married or have children? What if I never go on vacation again? I don�t want to die. I don�t want to be sick. I just want to be normal again. 11:40 a.m. - December 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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