singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Skinny! OhMyGod. Right now, I want to kill my roomate. We went out last night with the intention of going home at 11. Right. I went to bed at 2:30 and was up by 7:30, and out of the house 10 minutes later. I don't have a car today, so I had to get a ride from my other roomate, who goes to work over an hour earlier than I do. She woke me up 10 minutes before we had to leave, so I showered and just took my makeup and hairbrush with me to work. I looked awful - I have lots of zits because I'm stressed, I hadn't brushed my hair, my eyes are bloodshot, and I'm just so gross. But, it doesn't matter because I have over an hour to get ready at work before anyone else gets there, right? No. I turn the corner of the building to go in, and who's there? Two Board of Directors. Apparantly there was a meeting this morning. I don't know why I care since a week from today will be my last day, but seriously, I don't think I've ever looked so bad. This weekend is not going to be fun. First of all, tonight is going to be long and tiring. I don't want to go out, but I know I will. Ben has the weekend off, which means I'll be seeing lots of him. That always stresses me out. I'm always staring at him to see if he's talking to girls, looking at girls, or talking to his friends about girls. He'll get drunk. We'll spend most of the night talking to each other, and it'll just be blah. I should just not go out, but that won't happen. Instead, I'll spend hours trying to look hot - not necessarily to get him, but to make him realize what he's missing out on. How old am I? Saturday night might be the worst night of my life. The dreaded Bachlorette party for my future sister-in-law. We don't get along very well. We haven't ever argued or anything, but we just don't mesh well. My brother called my mom the other day to tell her that his fiance knows that I don't like her. Great. She already isn't very nice to me, and now I have to go to a party where I don't know anyone but her. That's not completely true, I have met the other bridesmaids, her sister, and her friends, but none of them really make an effort to talk to me. Although I guess I can't blame them. They only things they've ever heard about me is from my future sister-in-law, which would explain why they hate me. But, I'm trying. I bought her a $50 cake for the party, I bought her a present, I helped organize it, I'm going over early to help her friends set up, and I'm even thinking about buying her an extra "welcome to the family, sis" present. Gag. I'm going to be nice and friendly and kill her with kindness. I always think this, but then she does something so rude, it takes everything in me not retaliate. I love my older brother, and I don't want us to not be able to spend holidays together in the future, so I'm going to suck it up and be nice to her no matter what. I'm going to need to remember this when I'm at her party and nobody is speaking to me (even when I speak to them first), when I hear her laughing and looking over at me, and when I try to talk to her, and she's so rude to me. And she isn't always like that, it's just happened enough, or too much I should say. My stomach hurts just thinking about this party... The job market still sucks. I applied to a temp agancy yesterday, and they had no available positions. Wonderful. And that's all I have to say about that. Thinking about my future also makes my stomach hurt. I might be getting a new car this weekend. The past few days have been hell. Instead of spending my days off looking for a job, I've spent them looking, thinking, and worrying about cars. My lease is up on Saturday, and I want to get rid of my piece of shit car. In two years, I've taken it to the dealership to be fixed many, many times. My father admits it has problems, but thinks that overall it's a good car. So, he's deciding today whether to buy that car for me, or to lease me a Honda Accord EX Coupe. In silver. Honestly, at this point, I don't care. I just want a car that works, and I don't want to think about cars ever again. Also making my stomach hurt. My good news? I've lost 10 pounds. In 9 days. Gotta love the pills. I seriously don't eat that much anymore. It's like being anorexic except I never think about food. They only reason I know my body is STARVING is because I get hunger headaches, but I never feel hungry. I have to make myself eat, and even then, I don't eat above 1,000 calories a day. If even that. Yesterday I had a banana for breakfast, a bowl of low fat soup for lunch, and a small piece of low fat veggie quiche and a half cup of low fat cottage cheese for dinner. Total calories? 700. Fat grams? 8. But, then I went out and had lots of beer. I drank all week though, and still lost weight. I'm going to try to cut back though. So, this is probably so unhealthy, and you always hear that losing weight this quickly is dangerous and that I'll gain it back instantly, but I won't. I can't. I should try to eat about 1,200 calories a day, and just stay there even when I'm off the pills. Losing weight is so hard for me, and I'm sick of being the token fat girl. This drug is like a miracle. And the nice thing is that you can get it on the internet without a prescription, so hypothetically I could be on it fo the rest of my life. And yes, I would rather die skinny and happy at age 60, than live to be 80 and be fat and miserable. Again, making my stomach hurt thinking about it. Okay, I'm hungover, my stomach obviously is in knots, and my fingers are killing me - all my nails are gone and my nailbeds are bloody from me biting them. Can you tell I stress much? But, hey...at least I'm getting skinny! 8:37 a.m. - August 22, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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