singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rock Bottom You know when you have a moment where you realize that things couldn't get worse? That you hit an all-time low. That was me at 1:30 this morning. Ben was over, of course. Earlier in the night, in my drunken state, I asked him if we could get back together again just for our vacation. Or at least have lots of sex. He told me that he just assumed we would. Which now if it doesn't happen I'll be all sad and depressed. And of course it won't happen cause he'll be drunk every night. Why do I do this to myself? Anyway, this friend of a friend was out with us last night and she was hitting on Ben. I was livid. This is the first time it's happened since we broke up. I think even friends of friends should be off limits. Especially since she's been around so much lately. I acted like a jealous girlfriend, which I'm not too proud of. I stood between them and made sure I talked to her about how much Ben and I were going to have sex in Michigan. She was just around too much and it made me angry. Ben wasn't really receptive to her, but he didn't walk away either. Who knows what he would have done if I wasn't there. She isn't pretty, but she isn't ugly either. She's married and in the process of getting a divorce and is looking for someone to date. She already hooked up with another one of my guy friends on the 4th of July. Of course I told Ben that she was married and already was with someone else, but I obviously left out the part about the divorce. That would suck to be married and divorced by the age of 24. Although God knows she doesn't want to date Ben. That's going from one disaster to another. Okay, so anyway later is when I hit rock bottom. We were lying in bed and I kissed him. He kissed me back and when we were done he immediately started talking. I interrupted him and asked him about sex. Why we haven't done it in awhile or something like that. He responded that it would be weird and that we should just go to Michigan and hang out and have fun. I asked him something else and he told me I shouldn't dwell on things that I couldn't change. Then he started puking and I moved downstairs to the couch. I slept there all night. I cannot believe that I got rejected from Ben. Although I don't know why it shocked me since our sex life sucked while we were dating. It's just a slap in the face to be rejected from your ex-boyfriend, who you broke up with, while he's drunk. I'm just done with him. Of course this morning I wasn't too nice to him and he has no recollection of what happened, and I didn't bring it up. I just don't understand why earlier in his sober state he really assumed we were going to have sex. He even seemed excited about it. Then later he acted like having sex with me was out of the question. Will I ever understand what's going through his head? So, I have a new plan...it's really not a new plan, but this time I am going to do it. I am going to not eat and work out like crazy to get in the best possible shape. I need to do it for me, but being able to reject him once he sees how good I look is my motivation. Plus once I look just like Britney Spears (right) I'll be able to find my husband and my life will just improve over all. Plus if I lose weight, I get 2 grand from my dad. If this isn't enough motivation for me, then I don't know what I'll do next. Break my jaw so it has to be wired shut? Somehow slip into a non life threatening coma so I can't eat? All would work, but neither will probably happen to me. And dammit, I am so sexually frustrated right now. We all know what happened the last time I was (slept with 2 guys in one night, one of them being Ben's friend). Seriously I had dreams last night where I would start to have sex and then for some reason we would stop. And this happened over and over again. Well, since I'm obviously too ugly for even my drunk ex-boyfriend to want, I think I should channel my sexual energy into workout energy so I will finally get the body I want. Did you know that if I start running 15 miles a day I could burn 5,000 calories? Too bad I can't do that. I would be so super skinny!! So anyway, I have this new found excitment to diet and exercise and maybe this was the push I needed to get Ben out of my life for good. Of course we're going to go see a movie tonight...but after this, and after our vacation, oh and after my brother's wedding, it's over!!! 12:03 p.m. - July 10, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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